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December 11, 1997

Well they come tomorrow!!

Oh little one, I am a bundle of emotions. What am I going to do when I finally lay eyes on your family? Can I handle it?

It is so real suddenly. You won't be mine. I won't change my decision for you, but what happens to me? If my heart hurts this much now, what happens when they take you? What happens to me?

Despite all the pain somehow I am excited. I want to know these people and we really start now.

I guess when all this adds up I get to a numb point. Too much to feel so I've tried to to stay busy today, giving myself other things to focus on.

You must be excited too, 'cuz you are re-arranging my rib cage with incredible force.

I'll tell you all about them tomorrow.

I love you. 14 days 'til xmas!!!

January 8, 1998

What would you say if I told you that I don't want to go through with the adoption? For a while I haven't wanted to, but I have taken myself out of the equation. Telling myself what I want doesn't matter was barely working and very painful. Then yesterday my whole world got turned upside down. Your father called and voiced all his doubts and what ifs.

Could we make it work? He thinks we might. Yeah it would be hard, but wouldn't the benefits be worth it for all of us? I believe it would.

It would be difficult for all of us. At least for now it would be harder on you and I. No matter how supportive (financially or emotionally) he could be I'd be doing the parenting. But if it meant I could be your mother, not just a birthmother, I would do anything - sacrificing anything to do it.

My only real worry is my family. Until I can get on my feet I would need the support or help of those around me. My feelings are sort of the rest of the family be damned. You are part of me (of all of us) and if they can't accept you and me then we don't need them.

Oh what to do.

I love you squirt!

February 6, 1998

I have put off writing you for almost a week...I wasn't sure what to say.

In less than a week I met my little girl, fell in love with her, and said goodbye. I've never experienced such pain, physical - like labor, or emotional - watching your parents carry you away.

After 19 hours of active labor, four hours of pushing, and almost an hour of repairs on me by the doctor I got to meet you face to face. There in my arms you fit the definition of your name. Ashlynn, you were a vision.

You arrived at 10:56 am Saturday January 31st. You were vocal from the moment you arrived. Informing all of us that you were not pleased. As upset as you were it was a beautiful sound.

By the time they handed you to me you were calm. You layed in my arms staring up at me with big, beautiful eyes. You ate immediately and then drifted off to sleep.

I was so excited to call your father and tell him he was a daddy. His voice was so tender and sad as we talked about our little girl. When I told him how beautiful you were he said he expected no less. Those moments were honestly the happiest of my life...there with my little girl in my arms.

February 16, 1998

Well honey I am going to try to write once again. Hopefully I will get farther than I did last time.

Your pictures are plastered all over the house. I have frames of you all over my room. You are even on top of the TV. It helps to look at your gorgeous lil' face.

I am clinging to the memory of you. Daily I relive the time I got to spend with you. All the pictures we took during that time help.

I treasure every moment of the four days I got to see you. But the most treasured are the few hours we spent alone.

About 4:00 am the night we stayed in the hospital I took you from Liz, so she could sleep. I sat in bed clinging to you. You laid awake with me, "staring" at me. It was almost as though you were trying to memorize every detail of me, like I was of you.