Excerpts from the memory book I made for the squirt!!!!!
I haven't written to you in over two weeks for about a million reasons (although I have talked to you quite a bit).
I have come to the biggest decision of my life, and a decision that will change your little life forever. Squirt, always remember I love you no matter what. I have decided that I will give you up for adoption. It is not something I really want to do at this point, but I can't keep you with me.
We cannot survive on my love alone. I do not have a college education, so good paying jobs are extremely hard to come by. Without a good job I cannot afford to support myself, let alone you and me. I can't provide anything you need (except love) and I don't know how to give you what you want.
I am a short, blonde white girl. I do not know what it is like to be anything but white. Unfortunately, even now in the "90's" it is still difficult between the races. It is sometimes difficult to date a black man (trust me I know), the comments and opinions people throw at you are often hateful, mean, and even threatening. What will people say or do about you and I? A white girl with a black baby? You'll be a black baby in a cruel world - I wouldn't know how to guide you through that. Not to mention the fact that there is a whole other heritage and culture that I wouldn't begin to know anything about.
Another reason I was so sure I could keep you before has crumbled too. I was sure I could lean on my family for support (they would be solid). Now my parents are getting a divorce.
I think you need/deserve a mother and a father as a happy, healthy, stable family. I can't give you that, and no matter how much I care for your father we can't give you that. I wish we could.
Someday I hope you will be able to understand my decisions and still know that I love you and always will. But to take care of you and love you the way you need I am going to find wonderful loving parents for you that can provide everything I cannot at this stage of my life. And someday maybe we will know each other. I hope we will.
I am going to continue to write to you throughout the time you are with me, and when I give you to your family I will send this with you. That way you will know how our relationship developed for the time you were all mine and I could do for you what I knew was best. For the time that I can love and provide for you.
I love you squirt!!!
We've hit kind of a rough spot. Actually I guess I have, but since you feel the tension and stress too, I have to say we. I am mad and uptight.
I am mad at everyone over everything. I am tired of having to go through this by myself. I'm tired of not having anyone to fawn and fuss over me. I am tired of always trying to make everything okay and stable for everyone else. I am mad at my friends for having lives without me. I am mad at your father mostly or should I say the man who doesn't want to be your father. But mostly I am mad at me.
A year ago I felt as though I was on top of the world. I had a job, a strong family who were proud of me and believed in me, I had friends who would fight to the death for me and I knew where I was going.
Now here I sit unwed and pregnant, something I never wanted to be; my family is in shambles with problems I created or just can't fix; I have few friends to speak of; I have no job; and all I can see on the horizon is heartache. How did I get here?
I don't want to blame any of this on anyone, but if blame had to be laid it can only fall on two people. Your father and me.
It's sad. In some way I am proud of how I am doing. I eat right. I talk and read to you. We listen to music. I am making a memory book for you. And even though it breaks my heart at every turn I am trying to do what is best for you.
What is your father doing? Oh sure he is filling out the paperwork that is needed. Maybe that is all he knows how to do. But its not fair and not enough. I'm not asking for too much I just want him to ask about us, about me. To be here when you are born - it may be his only chance to see or hold you - it will be his only chance when you are all ours. I want him to be a man. And he's not or maybe he can't.
When we broke up my heart was broken. I didn't love him, but I could see the potential for it. I swore he would never hurt me again. If only I'd know...that was for nothing.
Don't think for one minute I am mad at you or don't want you. That is so far from the truth. Through all this heartache every tear carries two prayers: 1 - that God will keep us together 2 - that God will take care of you always. Kind of contradictory since I think to do #2 God can't carry out #1.
You are awake and kicking my belly button, so for now I will lay back and just be with you.
I love you squirt!
Guess who I talked to today. The people who I think are going to be your parents.
They called me this afternoon for the first time. I was so nervous when the phone rang I almost collapsed. But quickly they made me feel at ease. They asked about me, my pregnancy, your father, and my reasons for pursuing the adoption. They were open to my questions and seemed to give honest answers.
I got off the phone, smiling, and feeling at ease for the first time in a long time. I don't know these people as well as I hope to and I have never met them face to face, but I know they are right for us.
This weekend they are traveling to New York to visit relatives; they want to meet your father if he is ready and/or willing. I am going to call and extend the offer to him tomorrow. I honestly don't know how he'll respond, but I hope he'll do what he can feel comfortable with and nothing more.
At any rate I hope I meet them or have the chance before you are born. I know at least we'll talk often. They said they will call next week again. Wow! They will fulfill my promise to you - I know.
I love you.